Bell's Palsy and pregnancy.
It is an undeniable fact. For some women pregnancy is a very hard experience filled with complications and problems, while for others for reasons probably only understood by Darwin, it is a magical time; filled with unicorns and rainbows.
We usually only hear about the magical stories because most women do not want to admit that they are not finding the experience (that should be wonderful)...less than stellar. Somehow if you do not love the experience you might feel guilty and that you love your baby less.
Well..I have a confession to make. I finally have to come to terms with the fact that pregnancy is not something that agrees with me. This is my third and final pregnancy and well...let's say I am certainly finishing it with a bang.
This pregnancy has been particularly hard, but ten days ago things just got to the next level. I woke up not being able to feel the right side of my face. I spent the day at the emergency doing all kinds of tests and was diagnosed with Idiopathic Bell's Palsy related to pregnancy.
Bell's Palsy is a condition that results from the damage of the facial nerve. Pain and discomfort usually occur on the one side of the face or head. I am not able to smile properly or fully close my eyes. Eating and drinking have become hard and when I attempt to smile it is more of a sneer, or as my daughter tells me " my weird smile" (the innocence of a 4-year-old). Recovery can take months and is unpredictable.
The most upsetting part of this for most people with this condition (myself included) is losing the ability to smile. The face that looks back at you in the mirror is not the one that you are used to seeing. You do become self-conscious, depressed and tend to recluse yourself. Pregnancy hormones only make a crappy situation even worse.
This situation has put some things in perspective for me. Right now the least of my worries is about being overweight. I do gain a lot of weight in my pregnancies, and previously I have refused to take pictures for that reason. This time I had decided to change my attitude and have pictures taken if not for me, for my children. I am so glad we did that about a month ago. So, take it from me. Don't postpone things in your life (including having pictures taken with your family) until....(and only you know what that can be, so fill in the blank) because you never know what tomorrow brings. And that what is so bothersome to you right now can become irrelevant in the face of other circumstances.
While having a conversation with Mark (my husband) this week, he said: "I guess we are not having newborn pictures taken now." Without even thinking the words that came out of my mouth were: "Of course we are." I am choosing to refuse this situation to taint the joy this baby is bringing to our family.
You can't control what happens to you, but you can certainly choose how you will react to the adversities that life can impose on you. Don't get me wrong. I have cried a lot this past week, have been depressed and I am scared to have deficits from this; since I am a realist more than anything else and that is a true possibility once the prognosis for recovery in pregnancy is worse than in other circumstances. It is also not comforting when your OBGYN informs you that in her 15 years of practice she has only seen three other patients with that condition. However, at this point, there is nothing I can do so I might as well try to make some lemonade out of my lemons.
How can I not smile and cry at the same time when my little boy comes to me and tells me that I am beautiful? And when I ask him: Even with my "weird smile" and he looks at me and says. Yes. Who cares about that?
A part of me will always be sad that I never got to have at least one magical pregnancy. To me, that magical part is when I get to hold that baby in my arms for the first time. And I am certain that part is magical for every single mother, regardless of how she feels about pregnancy.
Photo credit: Becky Morrison